Sunidesus Speaks

I realize I haven't really written as much as normal the last few days. People who've been here for a while know that I've struggled with depression for nearly seven years. Most of the time it's very much under control, but every now and then I'll have a period of time when it's all I can do to make it through each day. That's been me the last few days.

I noticed tonight that the series finale of Touched by an Angel was on though, and I just felt a need to write something about that. I don't watch it very often any more, but for its first few seasons my mom and I watched it every Sunday.

It came on the air shortly after one of my grandmothers died. We called her Nanny. I'm a Christian, and she wasn't. I had a very hard time with the idea that this woman that I loved dearly wouldn't be going to heaven. That combined with the beginnings of depression, general teen-age self hating, and some pretty major problems at our church resulted in me feeling very betrayed and unloved by God. I quit going to church. The only God-related thing I did was watching Touched by and Angel with my mom.

Every Sunday we'd go downstairs at 7 p.m. and watch a story about someone in trouble and how God still loved them. For at least two years this was our routine. Hearing that God loved me, regardless of what I did, every week eventually broke through to me. That was the beginning of me re-realizing that He really does love and care for me, that I can trust him. I still struggle with that, but that show was the beginning.

When I told my mom that a while back, she said "That's a big part of why I did that." She knew that I needed to hear that God loves me, even if I wasn't ready to think about it or talk about it with another person.

So even though I haven't really watched it for a number of years, that show continues to be very important to me. And I felt a need to mark its passing.